Dog among the squirrels

Posted in All Dog Blogs by Old Mum

The park squirrels have dropped their guard and become rather too confident in recent years…

A funny thing happened in the park today…. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and probably shouldn’t have.

I’ve taken to heading off round the corner from my son’s school after dropping him off, to run the dog in the refuge of the cool green cover of our lovely park. I have connections to this place. I have spent a huge amount of energy in getting it a new pond and helping to keep it safe. I pick congealing crisp packets out of its shrubs and lug old mudguards out of flower beds. I walk round it with a faintly proprietorial air and it feels like home.

But what I like most, as a new dog owner, is the realisation that you can chat to absolutely anyone who has something on the end of a lead. This is usually a dog although once, memorably, I came across someone attempting to take a ferret for a walk but that is another story.

Etiquette dictates that you must start the interaction with a positive comment about their animal though sometimes a skyward glance and wry smile will suffice if your dog is currently bent double, forcing out a large and revolting poo at the entrance to the toddlers’ play area. From there the owner will either answer politely but in a brisk fashion and march off to continue their walk (ref: poo or perhaps they have quickly calculated that their elderly beagle will not benefit in any way from the demonic dog at your side which is already trying to leap on its head and flip it over) or you will have a perfectly lovely conversation and both dogs will behave in a socially acceptable way at least until they have reached each other’s rear ends.

A lovely moment with new dog friends in the park

There is one area where a few forest paths converge and you will often get a clump of dog owners all meeting by accident in this one spot. You can slip into the conversation here so easily it is quite exhilarating – I know of no other social situation where this can possibly occur – as long as you follow protocol of course and say a variety of nice things to at least a few of the dogs milling around your feet.

It was while approaching one such glorious unscheduled coming-together of random owners last week that I suddenly noticed a rather different atmosphere from the normal bonhomie. The women (it is almost always women. You do get men in the park of course but they are there to walk the dog, only walk the dog. They set off with a job to do and they are doing that job, thank you) were looking conspiratorial and supportive. Gathered much more closely together than normal. They looked like something was up and needing to be sorted out.

It was a few seconds before I followed their gaze to one woman in particular. She looked worried. My eyes travelled downwards and settled on an ancient-looking retriever at the end of the lead. It looked proud and very wary. It had a large dead squirrel in its mouth.

Various women now began pulling treats from various concealed locations on their bodies. Out came bone shaped biscuits from pockets and lumps of chicken from sleeves – one even reached down her shirt and produced a dried up lump of black pudding in a triumphant flourish and waved it hopefully under the dog’s nose.

“Thanks everyone but he won’t drop it,” said the retriever’s owner resignedly. “He’s that proud of himself. God knows how he caught it. Never seen him run so fast. Can’t normally get him to shift off his bed.”

The retriever sensed new hope in the air and lost a little of the worry from his eyes as treats were tucked back into clothing and the women shifted their attention safely away from his prize.

“I’m sure it didn’t suffer…” I contributed cheerfully. “It was probably very old.”

“Oh I don’t care about the squirrel,” replied the owner. “I’ve got to walk back home down the High Street. We’ll be traumatising children. Their mums will shout at us. What the hell am I going to do?”

This was our cue to do what women always do and leap in with comforting words and Plans. I suggested tying a scarf over the whole dog head and squirrel package to cover up the offending scene, while someone else suggested she call a cab.

We settled on a cover story in the end that both owner and retriever were happy with: when challenged, she would explain that they had simply come across the decaying corpse of an already dead squirrel in the bushes and the dog was carrying it home in order for them to dispose of it in a safe and hygenic way. Of course he hadn’t caught it himself! Have you seen his greying beard and arthritic joints? In his dreams!

And dream it certainly was as I watched them walk slowly away. Not for the owner, doing her best to look like anyone else off for a normal, jaunty everyday walk with a dog who just happened to have a large dead squirrel bouncing mournfully from either side of its jaw.

Dog however was very much enjoying the moment. I watched him stagger along, bowed under the weight of his glorious prize, large shaggy tail wagging aloft like a plume of triumphant heraldic feathers – until both were finally through the trees and out of sight.

12Jul2021

Can we give it back?

Posted in All Dog Blogs by Old Mum

See all blogs about dogs here

One of the very worst moments, the very worst, was when we found the new puppy had laid a fresh wet poo in the chewed remains of a treasured crocheted glove. Which a friend had made for me.

(There are numerous other terrible wool-related disasters I may relate at another date.)

Actually I’m now remembering many more moments. The time the chair slowly keeled over onto the floor when it’s middle support had been gnawed away and simply couldn’t hold on any longer.

Or how she would patiently wait until her newly washed bedding had literally just come off the line before jumping into the laundry basket and weeing straight into the middle of it.

Or the time she dug a hole under a very unstable newly planted shrub and we found it upended the next morning, waving it’s last broken roots forlornly at the sky…

I think that’s when we turned to each other and asked the awful question: “Would it be absolutely the worst thing in the world to return a rescue puppy who has travelled thousands of miles”…. we warmed to our theme…..”desperately hoping for a new life with kind and caring owners who would overlook the complete destruction of their lives and home in a patient and understanding way?”

We decided it would be. Googled: “How long is a puppy awful for?” and asked everyone we knew how they coped. Obvously the only ones with anything useful to say were those with new puppies because established owners had long forgotten the hellish early days and could only offer very unhelpful statements ranging from: “Oh enjoy those first months they are so precious…”, to the frankly impossible: “We never had any problems with Rover, he was amazing from the start,” (then Rover is a Japanese Robot Dog my friend and not actually real.)

It. Is. Just. Like. Having. A. New. Baby. Only you can’t put nappies on a puppy. (No, you really can’t). And you get maternity leave to cope with the fact they need you every second of the day. (Well puppy doesn’t really need you. Actually she is at her happiest when left to destroy a room in peace, by herself, to thoroughly annihilate the irresistible knitting project you foolishly left within her surprisingly extensive reach.)

So here is some emergency Old Mum Wisdom for the horror of the first few days:

1: Clear away ANYTHING you value/might poison the puppy. (Nothing is off limits and they will ingest the most hideously dangerous stuff with great gusto should you leave it lying around. Don’t limit this to items above ground. Oh no. For days puppy was obsesed with one particular tiny corner of the garden, to the point of trying to sneak out at night to get to it. One unguarded millisecond and she was in: digging like a thing possessed in a spray of soils, she found her prize and gobbled it up in a panic as she saw us racing to the scene. A dollop of almost fully decayed cat poo. I know. And what an interesting contrast between the two species; cat neatly digs deep hole and disposes of waste considerately and hygienically. Dog pushes out dollops of ghastly stinking mess wherever it pleases. Usually by the back door or under your child’s football).

2: The ONLY way to get them off something they want to destroy, once it is in their razor sharp grip, is to offer something even better while squeaking in an excitable high voice about how exciting it is and how clever they are (even if you are completely furious with them).

3: Use the same ridiculous voice when they poo anywhere that is vaguely in the right direction of the garden and don’t bother with trails of puppy pads, towels, wet wipes, all your household linens – because they will bound over them and poo in the gap inbetween on the hardest-to-clean part of your floor/best rug.

4: Puppy cage. Controversial. You only need to start typing: P.U.P and C.A.G….and a million desperate voices will rise up from the internet on forums across the world, wailing about the guilt they feel, the cruelty, how can it be right to lock your darling in a cage (I will desist from reminding them where the chicken they just ate spent its days…sorry…) and yes, I was one of those voices.

Get a cage. A big one. With a nice bed * and toys etc. It took three days of guilt-ridden hell with a devastated puppy whimpering like a tortured maiden in a dungeon, before she sucked it up and decided she liked it quite a lot. (You leave the door open in the day time.) As an added bonus it’s the perfect place to hide from the established household cat, should you be unlucky enough to have that particular additional hassle to overcome… Even Scarface Claw (ours) respects cages….

5: Remember this, and I promise you this is true: it will get better pretty quickly and if you have a child, you will cope because you’ve done it all before. Dogs, thank the Lord, grow up a thousand times more quickly however and they are sort of sweet to have around as a pup. Very occasionally. And only when they are fast asleep.

∗Bloody dog beds. She chewed through three. I sewed them up as she tore them apart. Over and Over again. Trying to stuff saliva-sodden wadding into shredded fabric is a thankless and, I finally realised, pointless task. She now has an old blanket and Albie’s old Scout uniform fleece in there. It is perfect.

12Jul2021

Travels with my dog

Posted in All Dog Blogs by Old Mum

See all Dog Blogs here

We are not currently motorised as Alan Bennett would say. And never will be.

It’s wrong to drive a car. Really wrong. And I do believe from absolutely years of being part of the highest levels of research, discussion and debate and learning from experts on all sides – that most people probably believe this too. Deep down.

Right now I need full disclosure, Old Mum does so hate hypocrisy. I have travelled in friends’ cars – it’s rare but does happen – and benefit from the services of long haul trucks that bring my south african cucumbers to the Morrisons near my home. And I’ve booked taxis when we just couldn’t put our cancer-ridden cat through a long bumpy trip to the vet in a bike trailer.

Then I should mention the ultimate sin of being a delighted passenger on numerous free long-haul flights – mostly in First Class – when Old Mum was a feted travel editor and had no eco conscience to speak of.

But I have never owned or driven a car and this is pretty big. I know of only two other people who do not drive (or get driven by their husbands, which is the same). One because they are medically unable and the other who, like me, cannot live with themselves if they do.

After so many years of presenting unarguable facts to everyone from MPs and education leaders through to my own dear friends, I know every single defence a driver can give to justify themselves – if they even feel the need to do so, for sadly, we are not at the stage yet where people feel shame over belting out vast clouds of CO2 into a word on the brink of environmental disaster, so they can spend an hour in a far flung shopping centre choosing a new cushion cover.

I have to drive to get to work/school/elderly parent in a care home etc etc

I challenge them to think of a single car journey they could not have done in a different way or simply not done at all.

This usually leads to all kinds of new extensions of the central theme so to cut through it all, I might add: “If you broke your leg tomorrow morning, how would you make those same essential journeys?”

The usual answer here is rely on a partner to drive you everywhere. Remove that and people are genuinely stumped.

As the car took over our lives so the world adapted around it. Train stations disappeared, bus routes dwindled away, cavernous concrete retail hellholes surrounded by acres of carparks replaced the corner shop (which kept communities alive and mental health intact.)

And this is the essence of the problem. Having a car means you do not have to find other creative ways to get around. Because almost everyone drives, public transport is hideously difficult to negotiate and criminally expensive. If you have no need for a bike, sadly you will probably not use it. Though you probably have one in the shed…

Conversely, if people did start to give up their cars, overnight the buses and trains would fill up and become incredibly cheap and very easy to use. Cycle lanes would spring up everywhere for safe, joyous journeys on car-free roads.

People would talk to each other again, freed from the steel bubbles blocking them from their communities outside.

They would get fit. They would be happy. This would save the NHS billions of pounds they could then spend on sick babies instead of fat people.

Anyway, because the world has shaped itself round having a car, it is a brave and dificult thing to manage without one. It was hard enough when I was on my own, adding a child to the mix just ramped up the challenges.

Then along came a dog.

Is this even possible I asked myself…..

I spent days and days learning how to make a video so I could show how it’s done so rather than write any more on this now, please watch it. (I am learning how to make videos remember!)